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An Open Letter To Our Garden's Ecosystem

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Dear spiders —

Please try harder. If there are cockroaches the size of mice in the garden, you should be the size of birds. In fact, anything up to chihuahua size is an acceptable local evolutionary trait.

Wasps —

Bird size limit remains, sorry.

Actual birds —

You’re still creepy, but I accept that is a prejudice I will just have to overcome. If you could take a few minutes out of your busy schedule of flying directly at my head to devour said cockroaches, you may build a nest out of my hair for all I care.

Sincerely yours,
No, actually, get the hell away from me.